and waiting… at 21 Water St in Gastown for an audition at Workspace. Super cool office space with a wicked view and sweet Macs and Air-con. Too bad I had to wait in smokin’ hot lobby on the floor for two hours.
At least I had some good company to make the time pass a little faster.
Let’s run through the check list of relevant Web 2.0 mind-mapped buzz-words:
Official Tally: 5/8.
Conclusion: Lisa’s swimwear photo is Web 2.0 …mostly.
he loves* me!!!
*Please Note: Flower petal picking is not the most accurate method of gauging someone’s love and/or affection for you.
When I lived in Toronto, I was fortunate to work with some amazing photographers. My all time favourite photographer was Adrian Jendrasik. Adrian loves capturing real moments. Moments that aren’t faked or created or imagined.
A photo-shoot with Adrian is never just a photo-shoot. It is an adventure. The adventure goes something like this:
Adrian, Julie (jet-set make-up artist extraordinaire) and I, all hop into his brown, 4-door Sedan and drive off into the hot and muggy summer day to destinations unknown. We chat about life, love, and beauty. Julie talks about her many travels, as she is also an Air Canada flight attendant. And Adrian tells us tall tales of the fashion industry, while he drives and drives and drives.
Suddenly, something catches his eye. The light, the place, the angles, the obscurity, we will never know. But it is the right place. Today, the “right place” happens to be a large field of tall grass, sandwiched in between a major highway and some old railroad tracks.
Without a single word, or a single signal to the car behind him, he abruptly pulls-over into a dirt patch by the side of the highway. He excitedly jumps out of the car, camera in hand, and marches off into the horizon along the railroad tracks.
“Let’s go!” He waves to us and keeps on truckin’. “Put on the white dress,” He yells from up ahead.
I make eye contact with Julie. She looks slightly confused or annoyed or amused or a little bit of all three. I have no time to change elegantly in the car, or behind a carefully held towel, so I just grab the sundress and hurriedly pull it over my jeans while running to catch up with him. Julie chases both of us carrying her heavy metal make-up kit in one hand and a tube of lip gloss in the other.
About ten minutes of trekking through said tall grass and I’ve stepped on one too many crickets in my bare feet (because I’ve lost my flip-flops in the grasslands somewhere). I’m hot and sticky and I’m pretty sure Julie silent internal “fuming” is about to manifest itself externally.
And then we see it: Adrian’s perfect spot. And it is perfect. The grass. The light. The colours. The angles. The obscurity. All perfect and it’s *magic hour.* It is a nice moment of understanding.
Then Julie reminds Adrian that she still needs to do my make-up. “There’s a spot over there,” He says pointing to a 2 ft by 2 ft dirt patch. “Julie might lose it,” I think. But she calmly opens her bag, takes out a beach towel and places it on the ground. “Calm.” I can actually hear her thinking this word in bold face.
* * *
Together, we traveled to some unique and unexpected places. I found myself scaling up a concrete wall under an overpass, sipping from a drinking fountain at an old, abandoned boathouse, and hitchhiking on the side of a road.
Adrian is colourful and eccentric and wonderfully European. He is also the only photographer that allowed me to be me. With him, I felt free to explore the different facets of me. For this reason, I have always felt that he was the only photographer to actually capture the real me, instead of the character I usually play.
Here are some behind-the-scenes “real moments” shots of me getting my hair and makeup done by Julie from the contact sheets of my Adrian Jendrasik photo-shoots.
March 31st.
Does this date mean anything to you? Well, if you are an actor living in British Columbia or you are currently at the lululemon on 4th holding a steamed low fat milk from Starbucks on your way to yoga class, your spidey senses are probably tingling a little bit. You’ve seen that date somewhere before, haven’t you? Was it the call-back date you never got called-back to? No. That’s long gone. Wait! I know.
It’s UBCP Union Dues Deadline Day!
And a bright yellow, sunshiny one, isn’t it? You can almost hear the birds chirping… What’s that tune they’re whistling to?
The tune of $75 for apprentice members and $175 for full members. Yes, that’s right. You have to pay the actor’s union not to work. What? Oh yeah, even if you don’t get cast, ever, you still have to pay your union dues every year. And if you fail to pay your fees by the deadline, any credit(s) you have earned prior to that date will be eliminated. Extinguished like the tiny fire that was burning inside of you, hoping and praying to get a speaking part in “Fantastic Four 2.” Or at least the chance to snap a decent shot of you and Jessica Alba for your Facebook Album entitled, “Me and My Friends.”
I hate to tell you, but the ship has already sailed on that one my friend.
So in celebration of actors everywhere that are just plum sick of their hard knock life, I’m introducing a new post segment I call: “Script in a Box”. (Not to be confused with that other thing in a box that has been getting some attention from ladies lovin’ Mr. Timberlake. Who is not to be confused with the music producer/hit maker, Timbaland, who seems to really like to bust a little wicketty-wicketty wack on stage with his chart topping A-list celebufriends. Who are not to be confused with fake Fendi FB friends. If you got all that you’re my new bff.)
For this new segment, I have been digging deep into Lisa Belovely’s script vault to find the most premium sides for your delight and amusement. You can thank me later.
Remember: “Script in a Box” is all about unleashing your innermost acting talent. Even “non-actors” can enjoy “script in a box”. Just grab a friend who speaks with a very monotone voice, (in the acting world we call this person the “reader”), and then just go with your bad self. Free that inner showboat and show us all how it’s done!*
Now, without further ado, I present to you:
Script in a Box #1
It’s a tearjerker. I know.
*I will be accepting VHS submissions in the mail of your performance of segment 1# of “Script in the Box”. The best entries will get a shot at auditioning for my new “short” I call, quite simply, “Short”. I’m submitting it to all the festivals. So keep your fingers crossed.
NB. Remember “acting” is “not-acting well”. Pontificate on that one.
In other news… I just got back from a beer commercial audition. I know. I was planning a really sweet, snarky rant about it. But just when I was going to pack in my acting career after the whole “thin” debacle, I was lured back into the rat race by a smart beer commercial.
You see, the script was actually funny. And I actually had fun auditioning. I know, it’s a crazy notion. Bonus: I got to dress “casual” in jeans and a tank top, instead of “slutty/sexy” in a “teeny tiny bikini”. Don’t worry I still had to be the “hot girl”, but this “hot girl” got to be fun and sassy. Nice.
So I want to take a moment and personally thank the stupendous Ad firm of Leo Burnett for allowing women to be hot, smart, sassy, and smart in a beer commercial. Check out their website. It’s Über cool.
Anyway, I have to run and fish my headshots out of the dumpster behind my apartment. Oh no! It’s starting to rain… and I hear the garbage truck… Crap.
|
Casting Call for Photoshoot*:
Description: Thin, thin, thin (THIN) females to play: Wardrobe: Dark, scruffy clothing. Dirty hair. Dark eye make-up. *This is a non-union, non-paying job. NB. There will be no food or water on site. |
Seriously? Serious. Wow. A=B=C? All the same. Right. That’s what I thought.
Sometimes I just want to point my wand at the whole thing and say “Riddikulus” and watch the whole industry turn into a big spider on rollerskates.
NB. Alhough I took out the specific details of the above casting call, all words, phrasings, and the ridiculous sterotyping used in the above are taken from an actual casting call. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still feel horrified.
Reality: Take a look at Lauren Greenfield’s documentary entitled: THIN. And her photography of THIN.
Speaks for itself doesn’t it?
Dear fellow actor,
Sometimes “the industry” can get you down. It’s tough. I know. I auditioned for a beer commercial two weeks ago. In a bikini.
But you can’t always just toss a coin in the air and expect heads. Sometime you get tails. So buck up. Proud like a peacock. You don’t just give up like that. Come on, you can keep going. I know you can.
No? You’re done with acting. You never get cast? Oh, don’t worry. It takes some time. Been at it for 7 years and never got an audition? Well, it’s the effort that counts, isn’t it? You know George Clooney went two years without getting an audition. Yeah. And he’s the world’s sexiest man. What? Where did I hear that? Oh, a very reliable on-line source… Where? Oh, you know… Wikipedia.
Your agent lives where? In Abbostford? Oh. In a trailer. Oh. You’ve never actually met him? Oh. Sorry.
What about just getting your foot in the door, you know… in the background. What? They won’t even let you work as an extra? Oh. Got kicked off “Fantastic Four” for trying to grope Jessica Alba. Well, that’s understandable. But her bodyguards didn’t understand? Yes, that’s also understandable. They did what? Oh! Yes that’s a very large bruise. Still tender. How about that.
Well, at least save one headshot for the scrapbook because at $3 a pop, tossing those Rocket Repro headshots in the trash just isn’t good economics.
You’re independently wealthy? Oh well. Carry-on then.
Canadian actors are on strike. And as a Canadian actor (view shameless and unnecesary inclusion of headshot below) I feel it necessary to say, “I’m so sorry to bother you guys with this strike. But… you see… well… we don’t get paid as much as American actors, and well, I don’t mean to intrude, but my gym membership went up this month and I’ve taken 3 more shifts a week at the Cactus Club just to pay for my yoga classes, lulus, morning fair-trade lattes, and weekly supply of organic vegetables. I’m really trying hard and doing my best, but because I am a struggling artist/singer/model I just need a little extra cash flow to pay my rent. Sorry. I’m such a nuisance.”
As we enter the second week in the first ACTRA strike in history, let us all pause and reflect on the key issues:
Issue #1: Money. We, the underpaid and underappreciated actors of Canada, want more money. You see, SAG actors get paid up to 30% more that we do, even when they are on Canadian soil. That just doesn’t seem right, does it?
Issue #2: Digital Media Exploitation. We hate that our work is used and exploited on the internet. But, if we are to be exploited please pay us. See key issue 1#.
I like money and since UBCP, the union of BC performers, is somehow unaffected by the national strike, I say, “Workers Unite” and all that rah rah Red stuff. And, in support of my thespian brothers and sisters, I will wear my cute Che Guevara tank top to all my auditions this week.
That brings me to today’s audition. The gender-biased tire commercial audition. As it turns out, females don’t play a large role in tire commercials. Basically, the female character named “SOC-wife”, described as “sweet, attractive and attentive”, stands in the door of her suburban bungalow smiling sweetly while her husband delivers a passionate monologue about buying tires for all of his big boy toys, namely his “’vette” and his “golf cart”.
Because I wasn’t able to speak, I had to come up with a strong internal monologue to truly grasp this dynamic character. “Aww shucks Jimmy, not another tire! Why, we’ve got so many tires, I simply don’t know what I’m gonna do with them. Why we’ve even got tires in the living room! You’ve just gone hog wild over those tires. Oh well, boys will be boys. Why don’t I bake you up a nice apple pie for desert?”
Lisa Bettany is a photographer and iPhone App Developer (co-creator of Camera+). She enjoys zombie flicks, British tea, R2D2 & her 5DMKII.
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