And now I shall reflect on some of the things I learnt from the year that was 2006:
1. Global warming seems to be a bit of an “issue”. According to Dennis Quaid, an important US climatologist, the worst is yet to come. Watch out for those super-cells, they are especially nasty. So let’s all recycle. Good.
2. Terrorists are never Americans. It’s really that simple.
3. Jack Bauer would make a great president. Everything squared up in 24 hours. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade. Yah, that’s right. Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun. Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
4. Pluto: Still a cartoon dog, but not a planet. After failing to comply with Celestial Body Classification #3 the object has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit, Pluto was demoted to “dwarf planet” status. Crap. Now what am I gonna do with my grade 7 science project?
5. We are only as sick as the alien inside us. Quick grab your e-meter and release your inner thetan! Besides being a super way to meet A-listers, “Scientology is the only specific cure for radiation burns.” Wow. Impressive. What else L. Ron? “Arthritis vanishes, myopia gets better, heart illness decreases, asthma disappears, stomachs function properly and the whole catalogue of illnesses goes away and stays away.” I know my stomachs are already feeling better just listening to your words. Healing power. Praise Xenu!
5. We should all thank youtube for finding a useful medium for glitchy 5-year old web cameras and their pasty teenage basement-dwelling owners.